What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home!
That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor,doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”  The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut  off your arms!”


Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? – Because of his coffin.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?  Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?   They Take The Psycho Path

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady”, said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!.” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked. “I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp”

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the  craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:  “Does this taste funny to you?”


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why, “they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
And tell the same joke twice.


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to  look at either.
Bet you didn’t see that one coming?


What did one snowman say to the other? – Do you smell carrots?

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car? – Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop? – SHOE!

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? – Eclipse it!

The good thing about being senile is…..WHERE AM I???!!!!!!!


Excerpt from: 1001 Corny Old Jokes I took Out Of A Dead Tramps Pocket, by Terry Hooper. Published by Bleck Towel Comics, July, 2012. Priced £323.00.  Available as pdf download only.
Snare drum!!!!!