Tales From The Grave...a TV series that could have been

It was a rather dull day in 2004. A few weeks before I had been at HTV studios in Bristol and later that afternoon at the BBC across the city. I was, of course, trying to sell ideas. I did not expect the phone call from HTV but they asked me to present a proposal on "That horror thing". I had to think and then realised "that horror thing" was Tales from the Grave.

You see, while in the rather clean producers meeting room at HTV I had a couple of proposales that I had planned on taking to a London publisher. A comic book idea. The UK comic scene was more or less dead or in a permanent state of stagnation but I was going to give it another go. As I looked in my brief case for additional information on the TV project the Tales from the Grave pages fell out and "Ooh!" said one of the two producers so I explained and that I thought was that.

But it seems that my (rejected) TV project was not as much discussed as the Tales from the Grave comic project.  HTV produced a lot of programming for the ITV network and they were looking for something different. All I could do was put everything together, including a rough sampler script where the series host, Dr 'Bones' Jones had his origin recounted. They loved it.

Yes, they loved it. Then panic set in as they saw in their minds a huge budget which they did not have. Make up. Special effects. That was going to cost "thousands". I told them to leave it with me and in the next week I'd allay their fears.

The first big problem came with make up but at that time there were high quality horror props for sale such as masks, feet and more.  They liked the idea that even if they purchased three of each item (in case of accidents etc) it would still be far less than starting from scratch and a crew could adapt and add to these to make them more "ours".

Also lighting and how it was all filmed would add to the effects needed.  I was told the make up would be expensive to show the decaying face of one character (I'm surprised they spent the money on theuir lunch). I was prepared for that and explained how the effect could be achieved and be quite gory. We were, after all, looking at a series with the old Hammer Horror and British 1950s sci fi movies as inspiration.

Then one producer noted that it would (guess what?) cost a lot to have windows in a certain scene blown out and the pyrotechnics to create the light display... I explained HOW the window effect could be achieved (the same way John Carpenter did for the movie Assault on Precinct 13 -go look it up). Also the "pyrotechnics" could be achieved with two studio lights and colour filters and some dry ice for mist.

Remember I was not a special effects man but I knew my horror films as well as how to get things done and achieve a specific effect. Producers apparently are just there to tell you how much something might cost and can it be made cheaper?

The one thing to remember is that if you are proposing a project to anyone you should have a back up. And with me my back-ups always had back-ups (usually 4 and that included pick and mixing from all the others

By the time I had finished presenting the project there were pages and print outs everywhere. There was even a discussion as to who could play Dr Jones and some of the HTV presenters fancied themselves as "am dram" (amateur dramatics) so one episode in particular would have no problem getting unpaid extras!

Two hours later as I sorted all of the pages out I had a sore throat as the two producers talked to each other (I was apparently in that "He's not in the room now" zone). They seemed enthusiastic. They wanted to do the first six episodes and I had shown them where each could be filmed for free at night. Then they uttered the words that drained me of all energy and yet I still had the pretend smile on.

"This is great. We can run with this!" and there was lots of gushing enthusiasm.

What's wrong with that? With both comic editiors/publishers and TV and radio producers I have heard that phrase so many times. Even the smile and slap on the back because this was "Going to be white hot!" This seems to be a point where they get very enthusiastic and "green light" a project before getting approval from the Big Boss(es)  or even having been allocated a budget. It's a time when my Hooper senses send a cold sweat and tingle going.

 I left with all the chat still going on about how they ought to contact so-and-so to star as this or that character and "We'll get bas=ck to you asap!"

A month later....nothing. I phoned but the producers were not available.  I contacted a friendly director I knew and he told me that he would check around and get back to me. An hour later he did and I was proven right again. The producers put the project forward but when costs, special effects and so on were raised they did not either remember all I had gone over with them or just could not be bothered -I was told one had said it was a pity I had not been there to run through the project idea.

Another TV company got interested in the idea and we met, had coffee and talked and I went over everything again and it was quite obvious that despite all the possible cost cutting they still had a budget fear. BUt I was given the handshake and smile and Hooper-senses kicked in. Channel 4 then got in touch and same thing (there is a long story about a certain TV proposal I put together with a producer at Yorkshire TV that took a lot of work and C4 rejected it....only to use it a few months later uncredited)....on this occasion my fourth call to the company received the response "Oh, didn't anyone tell you we aren't interested? Sorry about that"...and then the phone was put down.

I still have the notes and script somewhere (on disc...yes on a disc!) but this series was just one of an almost countless number of failed projects.

Welcome to my Trauma (incidentally, that was an episode title)